The Best "Breast" Advice is Self Examinations

I’m totally against the latest advice from the Department of Health and Human Services advisory panel saying doctors should no longer instruct women to conduct regular breast self-examinations.

I had breast cancer resulting in a radical mastectomy in 1987. My cancer was detected early because of my self-examination. I had always been lumpy, but the lumps constantly moved around. This lump did not move at all, and it felt warm. Even though I had had a mammogram just 6 months before, I went straight to my doctor. He too felt the warm lump, which had not shown up on my previous mammogram. He then did an ultra sound, and there it was. The biopsy proved the tumor to be malignant, and I had a radical mastectomy on my left side.

That was 22 years ago, and I have been cancer free ever since. I attribute that fact to my regular self-examinations.

Snail Mail Trail

Snail Mail has really lived up to its name! I just read that David and Jennifer Palliser of Almondbury, England received a postcard that was sent in 1969.
That snail must have really left a trail!

The New "French Kiss"

October is definitely not a good month for the French to kiss. Many businesses, schools, and government agencies in France banned the traditional cheek kiss -“la bise”- in an effort to curb the spread of swine flu. Rather than greeting each other with a kiss, officials recommended that people keep a “3-foot buffer zone.”

C’est la vie!

In A League of Her Own

It could only happen in America and, of course it’s happening in my home state of North Carolina.

A woman is suing the city of Raleigh because no men will play tennis with her. Nancy Griffin, 41, says she was so routinely beating male opponents in the city-sponsored tennis league that the city scrapped a rule that penalized players for declining matches. Griffin wants $10,000 for the emotional distress caused by hearing her opponents make excuses. One man even said, “I have a jealous wife and I cannot play females.”

Nothing that exciting ever happened when I was growing up in Rocky Mount, North Carolina.

Bernie Madoff's Favorite Class

It could only happen in the wonderful USA!

An ex-con from New York has gone into business teaching Wall Street Executives and other white-collar criminals how to survive jail. For $200 an hour, Steven Oberfest, 41, teaches convicted swindlers and frauds the fine points of etiquette, how to keep their sanity behind bars, and some basic self-defense techniques. Oberfest once served time himself, and says, “Most of these guys have never been in a fight in their lives…and now they are entering a world where anything can happen.”

Gives a whole new meaning to THE JAILHOUSE ROCK!!!

Jobs Available, depending on qualifications...

The flyer came by regular mail in a plain brown envelope. The flyer itself was shocking pink. The headlines read WEBCAM PERFORMERS $$$ WE ARE HIRING!!

And then it read:

1. You must be over 18, able to sign contracts, and you must have proper government issued ID.

2. No special equipment is needed. A good PC with the latest version of Flash, webcam, and broadband internet access is all you need.

3. Our web site performers are mostly girls and couples, in response to viewer demand…however, we do have a few guys. So all are welcome to apply.

4. We are a hardcore adult site, so performers must be willing to get nude and do hardcore shows.

5. You must be able to speak English and type chat messages in English via the keyboard.

Then follows an address to sign up online.

Actually I meet all the qualifications except for item #2 where it says “No special equipment is needed.”

I’m 79 years old. I need a lot of special equipment.

Lola in FUNNIEST HOUSEWIVES OF THE OC

Lola is featured in FUNNIEST HOUSEWIVES OF THE OC at the Irvine Improv June 24th. at 8:00 P.M. It is a "Laughter Is The Best Medicine" Event benefiting the Susan Samueli Center For Integrative Medicine. The tickets are $30 and the number to call for tickets is 949-854-5455.

Cereal Killer

So a man was arrested in Massachusetts for eating a bowl of cereal while driving. How did he do that? I can hardly eat a bowl of cereal standing up, let alone while driving a car. The man was on his way to work. I wonder how his clothes looked when he got there. Milk must have sloshed everywhere.

When asked why he did this, the man simply said, “I was hungry.”

Well, that explains it!

“Green” is not always clean

Washington state residents are smuggling in dishwasher detergent to evade a new ban on phosphate-containing cleaners. They say the new “green” phosphate –free detergents leave their dishes greasy and crusted with food. They’re driving to Idaho to load up on Electrosol and Cascade.

A woman will travel as far as necessary to get clean dishes!

Dog Day Afternoon

Last week was a horrific week for a Florida man who walked his dog without a leash. A court has ordered him to pay $40,000 in fines, back interest and legal fees in his legal battle with the River Watch homeowners Association in Tarpon Springs.

And all the poor dog did was walk!

Rice Wars

As if our slowing economy isn’t enough to worry about, two restaurants in a Rhode Island mall food court are in the fifth year of a legal battle over the right to sell rice. Owner of the Cathay Cathay restaurant, says he pays extra rent to be the mall’s sole provider of white rice, which he says is the backbone of Chinese food…but the Gourmet Indian restaurant in that same food court says its lease allows them to sell basmati rice, a long-grained strain of white rice, which is called the “must ingredient” of Indian cuisine.

So far, legal fees have totaled $200,000.

FREE TICKETS TO LOLA'S MARCH 3rd SHOW!

Lola is giving away tickets to The Funniest Housewives of The O. C. (Orange County) show at The Coach House! This hilarious show has most recently been seen at The IMPROV Comedy Clubs in Irvine & Brea, CA as well as The Center Club in Costa Mesa, CA.

Lola wants you to be her guest at The Coach House in San Juan Capistrano! The show is on Tuesday, March 3rd at 8:00pm, but dinner is available starting at 6:00pm (for an additional charge)

These days, most people aren't getting a BAIL-OUT, so Lola figures that you could use a break and a GOOD LAUGH!

Click here to get your free tickets!

Irreconcilable

A New York man is suing his wife for the return of his kidney. The man says he was happy to donate the organ to his wife when she needed a transplant, but now he’s in the middle of an ugly divorce and he wants that kidney back. He says it’s worth 1.5 million. The wife’s lawyer says the kidney was a gift and now belongs to her…so… “Never look a gift kidney in the mouth!”

Free Ride

A Brazilian woman was sent home from Bolivia a couple of weeks ago after she stripped naked at the foot of a statue of Jesus in a town square. She was hoping to be deported, because she had run out of money to pay her way home. Immigration officials drove her to the Brazilian border, and the Brazilian Consulate gave her money to catch a bus.